Ep 2: Why is the US so obsessed with abstinence?

[: 00:00:00

Statistically speaking, you're probably more in the Coach Carr camp. You may have grown up in one of the 38 US states that require schools to emphasize or stress the importance of abstinence in your health or sex ed class, or one of the 15 US states that currently requires abstinence-only sex education.

From a very young age, many of us were taught that abstinence was the way to stay pure for our eventual spouses, that if we had sex it was a sin, or if we masturbated, we were going to grow hair on our palms or go blind. Neither of those last two statements are true, by the way. How do these pervasive messages we receive as kids stick with us into adulthood?

participants in a sex [: 00:01:00

According to the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, AKA SIECUS, beginning in 1981 under the Reagan administration, the federal government has consistently funded abstinence-only until marriage programs. Between 1981 and 2026, Congress has funneled over 2.2 billion in taxpayer dollars into abstinence-only programming.

proves that abstinence-only [: 00:02:00

In fact, multiple public health and academic studies consistently find that states and regions prioritizing abstinence-only programming experience significantly higher rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections compared to those implementing comprehensive sex education. Go figure. In addition to these programs being wildly unhelpful for young people, researchers from my alma mater, Columbia University's Mailman School of Public Health, note that these programs also violate adolescent human rights, withhold medically accurate information, stigmatize or exclude many youth, reinforce harmful gender stereotypes, and undermine public health programs.

ows and loves to learn more. [: 00:03:00

I've written three books, two of which are about sex. The first one is Come as You Are, which was published in 2015, and then revised and updated in 2021. And the second is Come Together, which is about sex in long-term relationships. Came out in 2024. I wanna know what is your definition of abstinence? My definition is really in the context of abstinence-only sex education, in which case my definition of abstinence is not engaging in a behavior that somebody else says you're not supposed to.

e touching okay or not okay? [: 00:04:00

Everybody's brain jumps, of course, straight to heterosexual penis and vagina sex. Don't do that. Don't do the thing that, like, is the main thing that makes the babies. But there's so many other things. I love the transition to the transatlantic heterosexual- Right ... accent. It's really good. I just briefly became Katharine Hepburn.

Okay, so speaking of iconic American history, talk to me about how abstinence-only education became the norm in the US. How did we even get here? In the 16th century, the Pilgrims, the Puritans sailed across the ocean, stole some people's land so that they could impose their ideas about how to live in bodies on everyone who lived in the community.

ng to dig ourselves out from [: 00:05:00

Do you wanna speak a little to politics in the last, like, 50 or so years, and how that has influenced ab-only education? Yeah, so when the Republicans were trying to bring their party back to life after Nixon, they decided that a way to get people to become single-issue voters was first through abortion.

nted to impose laws based on [: 00:06:00

It is a bleak and terrible coincidence that it happened at precisely the same time that AIDS was becoming epidemic in the United States, and killing a generation of gay men, and many other people, but gay men in particular were tragically ignored. I know we're gonna talk about the research, but it has been obvious since the '80s in the research that comprehensive, evidence-based, developmentally appropriate sex education does all the things we want sex education to do, which is reduce transmission of infections, to reduce unwanted pregnancies.

e way to reduce abortions is [: 00:07:00

I also love that. It's like you're going on a stage. You're gonna get a gown or put on a tuxedo or the Billy Porter-like tuxedo with a ball gown. Love that outfit. So if you're interested in delaying sexual debut, the way to do that is with comprehensive evidence-based developmentally appropriate sex education, inclusive of all the people who are in the classroom As Emily says so clearly, comprehensive sex ed is the way to, number one, delay sexual debut.

doesn't come with the shamey [: 00:08:00

What does abstaining for an entire week do to people's stress, their mood, their relationship connectivity, and their life overall? In episode one, Dr. Candice and I talked about our magic wand study design. Week one was abstinence week. Week two was intervention week, AKA use the magic wand every day week.

And week three was sex as usual week, however participants defined that. We used abstinence as a measure to answer this research question: How does daily magic wand use impact overall health and wellness when compared to abstinence week and sex as usual week? While the sex as usual week was our control, abstinence week was our baseline comparison.

of your genitals, of someone [: 00:09:00

No genital touching allowed. I even would go as far as to say abstinence includes refraining from any behavior where you would knowingly and intentionally get aroused sexually. What Dr. Candice and I didn't see coming, that, quote-unquote, abstinence apparently means very different things to different people.

I was surprised by all the questions about the definition of abstinence, but I don't do sex research for a living. So I wanted to get Dr. Candice's perspective on our participants' confusion Yes, I was surprised by the abstinence questions. I am rarely surprised as a sex researcher. Would you say the same for you as a sex educator?

I've seen it all, except for when we were in this webinar. Right. So we got into the webinar. We were enthusiastic. So many people showed up. We were ready to go cheer people on for participating in the study. They had already completed the baseline survey. Like, people knew what they were gonna get into.

ay what now?" Wait a minute. [: 00:10:00

And I was like, "To me, yes. But is it? Now I'm curious. Is it just the state of arousal? So many things can arouse a person. Is it just some form of genital contact?" There was also a question, like, can I still read smut? Yeah . So there's like, you know, if I get aroused, that's not necessarily everyone's definition of abstinence.

It's not. It's not my definition. Like, I feel like a little arousal ain't gonna hurt nobody. Uh. But for the purposes of having a consistent operationalizable definition, we needed to come up with something that we could say to people. What was your definition of abstinence prior to the study, and what is it now?

To me, [: 00:11:00

And to me it is. So it's just an unclear line. I just didn't realize how unclear it was. Is your definition now the same? Yes. I'm leaving room for it to evolve. But for me, it really comes down to, like, you can be aroused, 'cause there are certain things that you don't even know will arouse you until you're aroused.

bstinence week meant to them [: 00:12:00

Let's start with Mary. Mary is in her early 20s and studied biochemistry. She signed up for the study because she said she likes to treat life like a science experiment. Mary had a childhood that may sound familiar to some of you. Despite her past experiences, she was up for the challenge of abstinence week.

But she couldn't have predicted the thing that would make abstinence week so hard for her I was raised Roman Catholic, so I feel like that kind of sets the scene for where abstinence comes into my life. I always felt very guilty about the lust I had for women, and I know that's not the healthiest way to frame it, but in that time in my life, I felt like it was sinful.

nto, like, sexual attraction [: 00:13:00

Even though I didn't have, like, a school sex education, I had learned so much already, in good ways and in very bad ways. But then at home it was very abstinence only. I'm very close to my parents, and now I joke about sex with my parents. Like, it's very different experiences. What changed? I just, like, kept pushing my parents.

I would just say more and more obscene things until they just, like, had to deal with it. Clearly Mary has worked very hard on her own sexual liberation, like most of our participants. She doesn't hide that in front of her conservative parents. But what happens when she goes a week without any sex or masturbation for science?

several reasons. It was the [: 00:14:00

And I was like, "I worked really, really hard for this." And I was so upset because she was attacking me. And for her to have such negative views of me, it hurt very, very deeply, and I was kind of in a spiral. I was definitely going through a bit of a depression at the time, and it was hard to be going through both of those things at the same time.

literature was awful. And I [: 00:15:00

So Mary's figured out that sex and masturbation are more than just fun and pleasurable for her. It's also her reset. Knowing she grew up Roman Catholic, I was curious what she thought about the intentional practice of abstinence by choice, and she had an amazing answer. I like to think about these, like, queer historical people and their experiences with abstinence, and they're always just kind of pissed off that they can't have sex because they're religious, but then they're pissed off because they wanna have sex.

planet. Oh, that's so good. [: 00:16:00

I'm not gonna do anything for a couple weeks." I don't do it now in terms of like, oh, I'm not morally okay with what I'm doing. I think abstinence practices for me now are very different. Now we're going to turn to a participant in a very different life stage. Mary, who you just heard from, is 22 and just out of college.

an who knows what she wants. [: 00:17:00

I lived in Canada all of my life, but I grew up in a small town in southwestern Ontario. Late '60s, early '70s, and my mother was reasonably open about sex. I remember her telling me about the birds and the bees. She was sitting in the bathtub. She was probably eight months pregnant with my youngest brother, and that was cool.

But she also preached the keep your virginity until you're married, because she did, and I did not ascribe to that. There were good girls, and then there were sluts, and as much as I admired some of the good girls, I was a whole lot closer to the other camp when it came to libido. I then asked Robbie what her definition of abstinence is.

at week of the study, was no [: 00:18:00

I wanted to make sure that I was at base level for sexual stimulation during that abstinence period. So as much as I possibly could, I refrained, and I was probably 98% successful. I mean, I might have squirmed in my seat with a pair of tight jeans on once or twice. So sue me. So what was the abstinence week of the study like for her?

and get to sleep properly. I [: 00:19:00

At this point in my life, the idea of abstinence is why wait for something? If not now, when? There's no guarantees about tomorrow. Wow. I didn't expect to get to such an existential place talking about masturbation, but I totally agree with Robbie there. Also, am I crying a little bit? Okay, okay. Let's talk to Liz before I lose it.

Last episode, you heard Liz mention that she used masturbation to move through grief. I later learned the kind of grief she was moving through was heartbreak. Liz was going through a breakup and grieving. Abstinence was tough since they weren't able to turn to masturbation for pain or stress relief like they normally would to navigate a challenging time.

[: 00:20:00

It would merit to talk about what that means for each of us. I mean, I think that's important to do in so many definitions, like what is cheating, what is masturbation. We don't all come from the same frame or background. We all have different contexts, so these definitions are of course gonna be different.

t the importance of defining [: 00:21:00

Like, that is my go-to method of stress relief. Like, I think I use masturbation more out of pain relief and stress relief more than I do out of relieving sexual tension or horniness, but instead as a coping mechanism sort of thing. When I was younger, I would use masturbation as an exploration tool because I was just figuring out that my body could even do this, and that was fun and exciting.

d stress relief somewhere in [: 00:22:00

Though it also opened opportunities that were really cool for me to actually explore my own sexuality because I was prompted to try new things with clients that would ask for different things. I'm now 36, and that's sort of been my MO at least since my 20s. I really appreciated Liz's candor and asked them if they could put themselves back in the headspace of what it was like to be experiencing abstinence week.

od. By the time Masturbation [: 00:23:00

Oh, God, it was so rough to be experiencing that. My body was just on edge feeling just the stress of the world, the fear of what's coming. Like, I'm getting a little teary even just thinking about that time, and it's a lot. So thinking through how you felt from Abstinence Week into Magic Wand Week after everything that was going on in the world, politically speaking, how did that feel for you?

was hard to access pleasure [: 00:24:00

I think it was really helpful that the study didn't require orgasm, just me to sit in my body, experience pleasure, use the toy on myself, and appreciate just being with myself erotically. And I eventually got to a point where it was so beneficial to me. I learned that I could use masturbation to help me move through all of the grief that I was feeling.

ere occurring personally and [: 00:25:00

I loved hearing from our study participants about abstinence week. It made me realize how many people use pleasure to not only feel better, but to actively de-stress, to feel more connected to their bodies, their partners, the world around them. Abstinence has always carried cultural weight, and we have to ask, who has historically been treated as the, quote-unquote, "keeper" of abstinence?

More often than not, it's been conservative leaders, purity culture, and institutions that are deeply invested in controlling women's bodies, queer people's bodies, and the kinds of families and futures we're allowed to imagine for ourselves. It's critical to remember that pleasure isn't frivolous.

nce is the only responsible, [: 00:26:00

Abstinence can be an option. For some people at some times, it may even be the right option, but it is not the option, and it should never be the only one people are given, unless people sign up for it on their own accord in the name of science. Next time, we'll explore identity, self-perception, and how the way we see ourselves can shape the way we access pleasure.

I would say, like, I'm 80% dude and 20% uh. Being an outlier in any way can be fetishized, or it can be dehumanized. There's all kind of fetish folks that are, like, really into tall women. Before the study, I didn't feel deserving and worthy of seeking pleasure. Marginalization doesn't equal lower quality of sex.

Queer people have better sex than heterosexual people and they have marginalization in their sexual identity.

Pleasure People is hosted [: 00:27:00

Pleasure People was made possible by the financial support of Vibertex Inc. Thank you to Magic Wand Study principal researcher Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons and sex educator and author Dr. Emily Nagoski for appearing on this episode as expert guests. And a huge thank you to the participants in the Magic Wand Study who shared their experiences in this episode.

To learn more about the study, visit magicwandstudy.com.